(as published in Living Now magazine May/ June 2001)

Izabella Siodmak BSc, ND, cert. Life Coach

“I’m not good enough for that job” or “He won’t like me the way I am” may sound familiar to you. Regardless of your job, social class, looks or education everyone is susceptible to a bout of low self-esteem. Indeed, for some people it may be a constant struggle, partly shaped by deeply engrained beliefs and unrealistic social expectations.

Self-esteem,  or how well you regard yourself, is important to your psychological well-being. People with a poor self-esteem are constantly judging and rejecting certain aspects of themselves. Sometimes this may be a way of avoiding issues that are too painful to deal with. Often this leads to taking less chances in your social, academic or career roles, even resulting in social phobia. It also makes it that little bit harder to make friends, go for a job interview or persevere with a long-term goal.

Poor self-esteem often leads to other psychological problems. Eating disorders, depression, alcoholism and substance abuse, child abuse and even domestic violence can stem from a feeling of low self-worth. Being aware of your level of self-esteem is an important step in deciding whether you need to work on improving your self-esteem. Below are some of the most important indicators of a poor self-esteem, and how to improve on these points.

• The pathological critic - This term was coined by Eugene Sagan, a psychologist, and describes the negative inner voice that we all have as part of our internal monologue. The pathological critic harasses and judges you, directly diminishing your self-worth. The critic survives through negative reinforcement, as it becomes a regular method of negating or lessening psychological pain. A person with low self-esteem has a more attacking and destructive critic.

Learning  to listen to your critic is not easy, as you may be so used to the constant negative statements that you are barely aware of them. The following are some of the ways your inner critic may attack you:

• blames you for things that go wrong
• sets standards of perfection that are impossible to attain
• compares your skills and achievements with everyone around you
• criticizes you for the most smallest and insignificant mistakes
• keeps reminding you of your past failures
• tells you what you “should” be doing, at the detriment of what you really need
• makes you feel guilty and worthless if you disobey the “shoulds”
• tells you you’re nothing unless you’re the best
• labels you with words like “stupid”, “ugly” or “incompetent”
• mind-reads others’ thoughts, for example, tells you that your friend is bored/ disappointed/ ashamed of you
• exaggerates your weak points by stating that you “never find a decent job” or “always forget things”

If you can relate to most of the above points chances are that your self-esteem could do with a boost. Although it is hard not to believe the critic when it strikes, you must keep in mind that listening to it reinforces its power. The more powerful it becomes, the worse you feel about yourself. Listen to your self-talk when you interact with people, when you feel hurt or rejected and in other emotional situations. This is when your critic often strikes.

Exercise 1: A useful exercise to try is to write down all the critical thoughts you have during one whole day. Then think about how each makes you feels and how it makes you react. What is each statement trying to help you avoid feeling? You may start to see a pattern, or a particular theme may be emerging.

Next you need to learn to talk back to the critic when he is being critical. You might choose statements like:
            This is nonsense!   Stop this rubbish!   Shut up!    To hell with this! or No more lies! You can make up your own, as long as it means something to you.

After you have immobilized the critic you need to replace the negative message with a positive affirmation. Respond with statements like: “I am alive and aware and trying my best, therefore I am a worthy and good person” or “Struggling to make things work is something we all must do to survive. I am just trying to live my life and do the best, like everyone else”. Whichever statement you construct, it is important to believe it. Use the affirmation whenever the critic attacks. Alternatively you may make-up different affirmations for each critical theme you are dealing with, for example: “We all make mistakes and this one does not hurt me. It happened so I can learn form it. I am still alive and happy and life goes on” or “I don’t need to be the best at everything. As long as I’ve tried my best, I have succeeded”.

2.   Self-perception - People with low self-esteem don’t see themselves clearly. They tend to exaggerate their negatives aspects and minimize their assets. In order to see themselves in perspective they need to look at their worth in a more realistic manner.

Exercise 2:  Write down as many words and statements to describe yourself. Make references to all aspects including your physical appearance, personality, how you interact with others, how you think others see you, your work, studies and daily performance, your mental functioning and your sexuality. When you have finished the list, rate each statement as either positive, negative or neither. This exercise should show you that we all have both positive and negative qualities. Most people will have a similar ratio of positive to negative qualities. When the critic strikes, read your positive list and be thankful for the good qualities that you possess.

• Distorted thoughts - Distorted thinking warps your sense of reality, as well as preventing you the chance to evaluate a situation rationally. You may fall into a pattern of negative thinking, which further depletes your self-esteem. There are several tell-tale signs that may suggest this problem:
• Overgeneralization- out of one event you stereotype all other related events as being the same. This is a constricting attitude, where one failure may result in labeling yourself as totally incompetent in that field. If this relates to you, you may find yourself using words like everyone, every, all, always and never.
• Mind-reading - You assume that you know what someone is thinking, and this is usually something negative about yourself. In reality, no-one has the power to know what others are thinking.
• Filtering - you see or hear only a fraction of what has occurred. You often focus on the negative aspects, and ignore the compliments someone may have given you. Words which creep into your thoughts may include: stupid, loss, unfair and hurt.
• Universal labeling - you apply stereotyped labels to a whole group of people, behaviours, items or experiences. This practice may inhibit you learning and growing as a human being. You tend to put yourself down with regard to your looks, relationships, intelligence and performance.
• Polarized thoughts - You divide all your experiences into either this or that. There are no shades of grey in your life, just black and white. The problem with this is that no-one can be perfect all the time, and when you do the ‘wrong’ thing instead of the ‘right’ thing, your self-esteem suffers. An example of this may occur when you decide that you will get an A+ on the assignment, or otherwise you are a complete fool.
• Blame - You blame yourself for everything, whether it is your fault or not. This often manifests itself in constantly apologizing to others for things out of your control.
• Emotional  reasoning - You assume that the world around you changes in accordance with your changing feelings. A classic example may be when you feel fat so you assume that you are fat.
• Control issues - you may feel you are responsible for all around you (over-controlling) or otherwise you feel that you have no control (under-control).

Exrecise 3:  Write down all the statements your inner critic says throughout one day. Beside each one, decide which distortion from above pertains to each statement. Then make up a rebuttal for each statement. For example: The thought might be “I will not get the job. He will see how incompetent and nervous I am”. The distortion here is mind-reading. An appropriate rebuttal may be “I cannot know what he is thinking. He will make up his own mind about me”. This technique will help you focus one seeing the positive side of a situation. You may choose to write some specific rebuttals for themes that are recurring, for example, if you often feel incompetent at work, or think that all men are liars.

Improving your self-esteem requires a conscientious effort on your behalf. Although the above exercises are great for getting started, remember that there are many more things that you can do to help you along the way. Each of you will have unique circumstances that have shaped who you are, so you need to explore what techniques work best for you.

Another technique that may be beneficial is visualization. Visualization can be a powerful tool that allows you to link into your subconscious mind. Since your mind cannot differentiate between reality and what you visualize, you can trick your mind into believing what you imagine, or visualize. You often find yourself behaving as though what you have imagined is true.

The person with low self-esteem is already applying the technique of visualization, but in reverse. They concentrate on the negative side of  a situation, and soon enough this belief becomes deeply engrained in their minds. Try seeing yourself as confident, attractive, happy and so on, instead of fueling the critic’s path of destruction.

With a little awareness, you can start to change those negative patterns that lead to social isolation, lack of confidence or non-assertiveness. And as you beam with high self-esteem you will notice yourself becoming more confident, satisfied and willing to take the risks to enjoy life and live life to the fullest.

Izabella Siodmak BSc (Biochemistry/ Biological Sciences), ND, cert. Life Coach, is the principal practitioner at the Natural Attitudes Health and Wellbeing Retreat & Health Retreat Australia, providing residential health retreat Programmes. Contact Izabella for more information on Hair Analysis, for copies of the diagrams or to find out how to have your levels assessed.

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